My Early Teachers

For quite a while I have been asking myself the question: How to live? Maybe not always in such an explicit manner, maybe even not always consciously, but it seems that I have been searching for ever. Have I found my answers? Sometimes I thought I knew them and I knew how to live my life to the full and in such a way that it really mattered. The times of such clarity were wonderful and I hope they will keep returning. For me there is no one answer that will serve me all my life, or at least I do not know such an answer as yet. I have recognized my core values and they are relatively stable. I could also give some generic answers to my question. One of such answers is : It is important to live with honesty; or It is important to love… For some reason such answers do not seem satisfactory at times so I continue searching. I know that I bore my friends at times with my existential subjects and divagations. Actually, I do not have such friends at the moment with whom I could talk about existential issues. So, I thought I will write. Maybe some clarity will come this way.

Some readers may find the title of my blog puzzling. How to Live Prime Minister? I am Polish born, with years living in Sydney I became an Australian and now I feel very much European but since Australia is my home country I should perhaps call myself a cosmopolitan or a citizen of the world. How pathetic! The title of the blog came from one of the situation of Polish politics and I wrote about it in my other blog. Here is explanation.

There were times I was expecting answers from my mother. And I got my answers! You should live romantically, timidly, honestly, but you should not think much of yourself. They were not very useful answers, but they got  deeply ingrained into my psyche. She meant well. She did not want me to get disappointed with myself but she set me up to be often disappointed with less idealistic reality than I had expected. She also told me that I should strive to help others. She did that herself so often and I thought it was touching. Some of her compulsive giving took  a form of mollycoddling. This was directed at my brother and I am grateful that I was not the subject of this type of misguided generosity. Marek was not a happy person and I did not like many sides of his behaviour. This is a different subject altogether. Relationships with others and how to love and not be used by the love objects. I sometimes feel that I have been used many times in my life. Have I been using others? Perhaps I am not that innocent as I would like others to be? Hm…On reflection, this is life and this is how it is.

I spent many, many months with my grandparents far away from my working parents. Maybe this outsourcing of motherhood had some influence on my later decision to stay childless? Very early on I did not see mother role being played by my beautiful and very young mother. Grandma was something different. She was actually great in her energetic, no nonsense way. What did she teach me? The answer is not that obvious, but I am sure she had stamped my life profoundly. I will come back to it.

But grandfather, oh my sweet grandpa. He taught me kindness. This is one of my very core values still. Always has been. I still see him as quintessentially good man. A real softy ruled by my very bossy grandma. I felt very much loved by him. This was such a treasure, this love of his. There was no question about it, no doubts that I was loved. I was loved by my grandma also but she did not expressed her feelings in such a way that I could understand it when I was, say, four years old. My mother love was not clear to me at all in my very first years of getting to know the world. Later, when I was a young woman, I thought I was loved by her and later some doubts sneaked in. Again, I need to explore the subject of my beautiful, weak, romantic mother who searched for value in her looks.  

What about my father? This was a complicated relationship. He was not my mother type of a man, but he was such a good man. We all hurt him badly by keeping distance from him while he needed love. He taught me work ethics, he taught me honesty, calling spade a spade, he showed me I can do things I had not expected I could. Like riding bicycle or later when I was a delicate sweet sixteen he taught me to ride a heavy Russian bike. The lesson was – I can do whatever I set my mind to and there are no limits for girls. Tony Robbins does not measure up to my father's positive influence on me. Father had to keep his involvement in by upbringing under wraps.  Mother saw my role in life in a different way. Luckily, with involvement of two of my parents I got a well rounded education as far as my future role of a woman. 

The big four Mother, Father, Grandpa and Grandma were my first role models and first teachers. It was actually a very good start to life and I am thankful.