Friendship

This time I want to write about friendships and how to deal with disappointments.

I heard some time ago that “Friendship may be for a reason, for a season or for life”.

My experience indicates that this is perhaps true but my earlier expectations were that friendships should be for life! Hence, disappointments I experienced over the years. I have already written about my mother’s influence on my life that made me more idealistic than would be practical if I was less so. She also bought me Anne of Green Gables when I was rather young. Seven, eight? Something like that. I expected to have a Diana in my life and this would mean for the whole life. In fact I think I may be lucky to have my best friend for life. Barbara or Basia affectionately is such a person for me. Unfortunately, I live in Sydney and she lives in Warsaw. But we talk often. Skype and free calls from Poland to most countries in the world help us keep frequent contact. I must confess that when I moved to Australia and was busy being happily married, building wealth and career; then I did not contact Basia all that often. However whenever I was in Poland I spent a lot of time in the familiar home of Basia’s parents; Home that I felt was very warm, safe and welcoming. For me it was  more of a family home than my parents place. Maybe, it felt that way because Basia’s mother was not a successful working woman but a successful mother and home maker? And this is me making such a statement, a career woman who even does not have children. A subconscious regret, I wonder?

So, I have my friend for life, I am grateful for her presence and I should always keep it in mind especially when I feel lonely or sorry for myself.  I will still whinge at disappointing other friendships, I experienced in my life. There were so many times I felt deceived and used. Oh, poor me, poor me!! Being sorry for myself is definitely not the way to live.

Since I expected all my friendships to be based on trust, honesty and unconditional love; I was looking at my friends through rose coloured glasses. I painted them in my mind with idealistic paint brushes and pretty colours. They were wonderful pictures, unfortunately the reality not always followed. I do not blame the people who disappointed me and I do not blame myself for being too naïve, but I must say that when things soured it has always been very painful and disorientating.

My first very best two friends disappeared from my life through untimely death. They were both in their twenties. It was very painful and shocking to a young person. Death? This was not going to happen to anyone I knew and definitely not to myself. Not for a long time anyhow. That time seemed to be that far away that it even did not seem to be a possibility. The death of Ala and Ela was very difficult to accept. I was very close to both of them and I would call them my best friends of the times. It was very sad and the death of such young women seemed unjust. It left a big vacuum in my emotional life. Yet, however painful it was, there was just sadness and pain in me but there was no betrayal in our friendship.

Such experienced came later and more than once. When Basia was telling me that a couple of my friends were making a pass at my partner, I could not believe it. In fact I did not believe her; I could not accept that my girlfriend could even contemplate taking my boyfriend away from me. When I look at the situations from the distance of time I see how gullible I was. But this naivety was a form of self protection. I did not want to know what was going on in the treacherous minds of people I trusted. I would not have been able to deal with it. So, I denied it.

Now I am wondering how best to go through such situations. First of all, I need to assume that people are not perfect and that they have their own agendas. Such agendas that they are going to keep to themselves, not necessarily noble ones. They will deal with their dilemmas the best way they can. Those ways may not be the best for me. If it is a friend I decided to give my trust to, it should be combined with acceptance that I can not know all about the person and that I can be one day faced with surprises not necessarily pleasant. I should enjoy pleasant times together with eyes open to see flows. Some of them are acceptable; nobody is perfect like Some Like it Hot tells us. Some may have a potential to hurt me. I should be able to recognize such situations and have courage to talk it over with the friend. No dramas, but bringing my observations to an open and ask for a comment.  Then it may be the time to realize that the friendship does not rest on solid foundations and redefine the relationship. It may be even a time to part, but my personal boundries need to be protected. This is my job and responsibility. Painful? Disappointing? Yes! Still, if I could replay some of the earlier situations I would have protected myself better. I would experience less heartache.